Why should I?

So many of our obstacles come from the preprogrammed tapes we carry around in our heads. Shoulds and shouldn'ts, oughts and oughtn'ts. They often control our actions like puppets on a string without our ever even realizing it.

Here's a great approach for getting a realistic picture of those things. Ask, "Why should I?"

Take each listed item read it out loud and then ask yourself, "Why should I?"

Here are some typical answers to the "Why should I?" question: "Because everybody has to," "My father said I should," "What will happen to me if I don't?" "Otherwise people won't like me anymore," "Because I'm too fat/stupid/lazy/careless etc."

The answers to "Why should I?" questions demonstrate how we can limit ourselves by holding certain beliefs. Try ending an "I should..." statement with, "because I really want to." The sentence doesn't make sense because the word 'should' implies reluctance and feelings of guilt and fear. Do we really need to burden ourselves in this way? The word 'should', however, can be replaced by the word 'could' and this restores freedom of choice. So go through your list of shoulds and rephrase each item: "If I really wanted to, I could..."

Another approach is to ask the question, "Why should I?" repeatedly until you genuinely and sincerely answer it with "Because I really want to." Or you decide to give it up because you really don't want to! 

When you live your life according to shoulds, you play the victim role. You lose freedom of choice. I had one client whose shoulds had such a strong hold that they seemed to control every step she took. She felt like she was in a constant state of obligation.

As she began getting to know her shoulds, she started to make the transition from, "I have to" to, "I choose to" (or conversely, "I choose not to"). As that change deepened, so did the feeling of control over her life, both present and future.

--

Curt Rosengren, Passion Catalyst (sm)

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Comments

[Joe]

I've become increasingly aware of motivations based on "shoulds" vs. "wants". Asking "Why Should I?" seems like another excellent tool through which to increase this awareness ... and to counteract my [un?]natural tendency to want to do everything I should.

I'm reminded of the concept of mitote, a fog of expectations others have placed upon us (intentionally or unintentionally), that I first read about in Don Miguel Ruiz' book, The Four Agreements. Miguel Ruiz observes

... we start pretending to be what we are not, just to please others, just to be good enough for someone else ... The fear of being rejected becomes the fear of not being good enough. Eventually, we become someone that we are not.

I recently discovered a technique of keeping a mitote book, wherein one journals about one's awareness of the "shoulds". It appears very similar to the process you linked to; I mention it here because of the way the mitote book draws in more themes you have mentioned in the past (such as identifying the voices of one's inner critics).

[Hiren Shah]

In my view, it depends on what that "should" is. Everbody will agree that everybody should breathe because otherwise they will not remain alive. The right occupation is like breathing- it is your very essence it is your very life. No point spending a majority of waking hours in acute misery. Otherwise, "Words are triggers to action" and one should try to alter the attitude through them if one can't alter the circumstances.