Fear of Fear Itself

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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." - FDR

Humans these days are afraid of so many things that just don’t make any logical sense in our adult lives. We’re afraid of speaking up in a meeting at work, even though we know others could benefit from our comments or questions. We’re afraid of not being perfect. We’re afraid that others will laugh at us. We’re afraid we will trip on the way to accepting an award. We’re afraid we’ll be swallowed up by an earthquake (even though we live in a part of the world that has never seen an earthquake).

If we’re living our lives in fear of things that most likely will never happen, we’re really living only a portion of our lives. And it’s probably not even the most effective portion. Like my high school basketball coach used to say, instead of playing to win, we’re playing not to lose.

There is a time and a place for fear in our lives. Nature has created fear to help the young of any species survive. Yet most of the things adults fear are based on experiences they’ve had in their past – things which served them well as children, but which now hold them to behaviors which no longer are appropriate.

In our adult lives, we are governed by two big fears: fear of failure and fear of embarrassment. If we are afraid of being embarrassed or treated as failures, we won’t be living our capacity. We won’t take risks. We will act only on what we know, and what we know resides in our past. These fears don’t have anything to do with what’s happening right now – in the present. They are only imagined threats that aren’t even happening, but are keeping us from acting in the most effective way.

When we have a fear of failure, we either take action or don’t in order to avoid failure in the future. Remember: what we resist persists. By resisting failure, we keep it always with us.

You have failed in the past – we all have. But we’re still here. We survived that failure. Why in heaven’s name if we’re so afraid of failing again, do we keep carrying it with us? If it’s a failed relationship, why do we give so much power to that relationship by dragging it along through our next relationship?

And these relationships can be found everywhere, not just in our personal lives. Think about the relationships we have at work. If we’re living in fear at work, where we really do spend a majority of our waking hours, that fear-based behavior will undoubtedly carry over into the rest of our lives.

According to corporate coach Jan Austin, some common symptoms of fear at work include:

• “Us versus them” talk
• Silence during meetings, but widespread talk outside of meetings
• Widespread poor morale
• Resignation, wish for retirement or layoff
• Resistance to new ideas
• Overactive rumor mill
• Lack of input or suggestions for improving working conditions
• Lowered productivity, increased mistakes/waste
• Increased absences and tardiness
• Reluctance to admit mistakes
• Tendency to blame the environment or others for a host of issues
• Denial of tensions and conflicts which are at or near the surface

What do we do to get beyond the grip of fear in our overall lives? The first step is to recognize the fear we have in any given situation. Is it authentic? Is it a threat to our physical well being? Or is it a projection of something which might not (probably won’t) even happen?

As we begin to target our fears – in the workplace, in our relationships, in our families – we can begin to dismantle the ones that don’t serve us anymore.

There was a television commercial not so long ago where a mom wraps the kid in bubble wrap because she’s so afraid he’s going to get hurt. The kid goes through his daily routine at school hardly able to wiggle a finger, but mom feels better because she’s been able to protect him. Another television commercial I’ve seen has the dad reading a bedtime story to the little boy and after every phrase the boy asks his dad if the characters in the book have checked the smoke detector – if they’ve made sure the door is locked – if they’ve put away all the utensils that could be dangerous. The dad is thankful that the little boy learned about safety at school because he’s able to help them prepare their home for the insurance they need. It’s one thing to be cautious; it’s another thing to be obsessed.

Of course, there are times and places for varying degrees of what could be considered fear. These include worry and concern. But if we consider the distinction even between those two terms we might see that it’s not actual fear that we need to be so gripped by.

Worry implies a strong feeling of anxiety, trouble, distress, uneasiness. When we worry, we carry unnecessary stress with us because more often than not, the matters we worry about never happen.

Concern is often used as a synonym for worry; however when we consider the actual definition, concern simply means “to have to do with, or be related to; to have regard for or interest in someone or something.”

To be worried about something often takes up unnecessary negative energy while to be concerned with something doesn’t necessarily have the same negative connotation attached to it.

When we really think about it, didn’t FDR have it right? But we’ve got it backwards. The way we’ve got it going in our lives is that it’s the effects of the potential fear that scare us so much, not the fear itself. I have a friend who says she is afraid of being a chicken. It’s not anything external that causes her fear – it’s her fear of being afraid. If we can identify our fears to that level, we might be able to see that really, there is nothing external that is causing our risk aversion or our lack of being fully present in our own lives.

There certainly is a place for authentic fear in our lives. The adrenaline rush we get in times of real crisis can serve us very well in the face of a burning building or a charging grizzly bear. We’ve all heard the stories of the 120-pound woman who lifts a car to save her child pinned underneath.

But if we’re allowing our reptilian brain to take over when we’re at the office or in the midst of a passionate dialogue with a friend or family member, we may not be using the best part of ourselves.

In Neale Donald Walsh’s book Communion With God, God claims that the presence of fear draws to you that which you fear. “Fear is a strong emotion, and strong emotion – energy in motion – is creative. …The way to live without fear is to know that every outcome in life is perfect.”

Another way to think of fear is by considering it as an acronym: False Evidence Appearing Real. Here’s another excerpt from Communion With God:

When you know that everything turns out perfectly and there is nothing of which to be afraid, conditions that you would once have defined as fearful are seen in an entirely different light. Indeed, they are seen in the light, rather than in the darkness, and you begin to call your fears “adventure“ (p. 137).

So think about the areas you are letting fear get in the way of being the most effective you can be. Is it an authentic fear or a fear of something that’s occurring only in your mind? Step outside what’s comfortable for you. If you’re stopped in something you need to say, practice on a trusted friend. Invite her or him to join your “team” as a coach or an advocate for the you you know is inside just trying to come out.

Just noticing whether what you’re feeling is indeed fear or whether it’s worry or concern will help you determine what to do with what your body is feeling. Authentic fear (caused by a fire in your home or a grizzly bear running at you on a camping trip in the woods) is one thing, but an obsession with alien abductions is another.

This is an excerpt from my forthcoming book The 100% Factor: Living Your Capacity. A website for the book is coming soon.

Comments

[Timothy Johnson]

Jodee - great thoughts and insights about the irrational ideas we allow to paralyze us day after day. When I'm mentoring project managers on risks, I actually try to instill a little fear in them to identify what things can go wrong. Then I make them own the fear by developing mitigation strategies should the risk event actually occur. Your distinction between caution and obsession states this very clearly. There's a vast difference between "Let's all be careful out there" and "Run for your lives! The sky is falling!" Awesome post.