Collective Genius!

Stretch Marks!

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People sometimes talk glibly about being outside the comfort zone, and if you google it you'll find lots of hits, many about getting back into it (or staying there). However, it's often where growth and significant change happens. But (like childbirth) being significantly outside your zone (and it's different for each of us) will leave you changed, possibly permanently. I.e., you may not look the same coming at as you did going in. (Just ask my wife after having delivered our daughter.)

This leads us to a way of measuring where we are - Ask yourself:

Does this [process | change | new direction | new relationship] have the potential to alter who I am, or how I see the world?

In other words, any significant personal undertaking must involve a change in you, the doer.

There are two related questions:

First, if you acknowledge that moving outside your comfort zone will change you, consider whether it's changing you in ways you like. I find it useful to periodically ask myself: "Do I like the person I'm turning into by doing this?" The "this" can range from big changes (like work and relationships), down to the daily inputs you let into your life, including how much bad news you take in, and how many acts of violence you watch. I'd argue that each one is changing us.

The second question is: How often are you asking:

What in the world do I think I'm DOING!?

In other words, moving out side your comfort zone can leave you feeling out of control, at least temporarily. Why is this important? I think it has to do with how humans evolved. As children we reveled being outside the comfort zone (in fact we are built to be outside it - it's called learning). However, when mature and reach child-bearing age, nature turns it off - makes us less comfortable outside the zone - in favor of safety. This is because as parents we need to provide a stable framework for our offspring to do the same thing - to get safely outside their comfort zones.

This means that, as adults, we have to work to get outside the zone, and that it's easy to stay in it. Hence, having manageable amount of periodic chaos is a good thing. The good news is that we can train ourselves to get outside the zone by doing it regularly. Yes, the first time it's painful (just ask me about the first workshop I put on), but it gets easier over time, and you get more resilient in the process. Plus, you're making yourself into someone you like!

So how about you? For the year passing:

• Were you out of your comfort zone enough?
• How did each move out event change you?
• Do you like who you are turning into?

Matthew Cornell, Matt's Idea Blog

Resources

• Two books I've found helpful around this are Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, and Improv Wisdom: Don't Prepare, Just Show Up by Patricia Ryan Madson.
• You may also enjoy Alvin Soon's article The Most Important Thing to Do: Stretch.
• Steve Leveen of Levenger says in an interview with David Allen: "begin before you're ready" (but do prepare) - there is power in acting "as if" (AKA "fake it 'till you make it"). Also, "take the plunge!" - that's where the learning really kicks in. Don't be "too smart to start."
• In the anime movie Ghost in the Shell, we have this dialog at the end:
  • Major Motoko Kusanagi: I wonder where I'll go now. The net is vast and infinite.
  • Puppet Master: Your effort to remain what you are is what limits you.
  • Major Motoko Kusanagi: You talk about redefining my identity. I want a guarantee that I can still be myself.
  • Puppet Master: There isn't one. Why would you wish to? All things change in a dynamic environment. Your effort to remain what you are is what limits you.
• From Pema Chodron's book Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings:

  A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not-knowing is part of the adventure. It's also what makes us afraid.

When discomfort becomes comfortable

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A few months ago, I decided to take back control of my health after a year spent indulging in comfort eating. I have to admit that I enjoyed my year of eating whatever I wanted, mostly cookies; it truly comforted me during the months of anxiety preceding my son's deployment to Iraq.

It had taken quite a while for my pants to get tight, then too tight, then very tight, ultimately uncomfortably tight. I tried buying new pants in a larger size and although they fit, I discovered that it was my skin, my own body that I felt uncomfortable in. The comfort foods that had placated me emotionally for so many months had now put me in a state of physical discomfort. I was forced to admit that the cookie therapy wasn't really working. I thought I had been making myself feel comfortable but I still felt anxious on the inside and it showed on the outside.

The month my son deployed, I decided to step out of the comfort patterns I had used for the previous year. I would turn my discomfort over my baby being in harm's way to a new way of comforting myself, regardless of how uncomfortable the interim was. I had to find a better way.

I knew there was no quick fix, either to the anxiety I felt or to the loosening of my skintight pants. I set goals for myself: an ultimate goal but also intermediate goals. I started keeping a food and exercise journal so I could track my progress. It helped to have definitive proof of effort, regardless of results, as I took back control over a portion of my life that I had let go of. And it helped alleviate the anxiety too: I couldn't control what was happening to my son but I could control these aspects of my life. It made me feel better. You could even say that I grew to feel comfortable in this new way.

I imagine there will come a time when this new comfort zone will start to feel uncomfortable too, just as my previous comfort zone had worked for a time. It's like jumping into the pool and the water feels so cold, but after awhile, it feels all right, then you shiver when you get out because the air doesn't feel the same as it did before you got into the pool. Being in the discomfort zone is temporary, a transitional phase as you move from an old comfort zone to a new one, one that is often better, especially if you get to wear baggy pants that used to be tight.

Gretchen Stahlman: The Year in Red

December 2006 topic: Thriving in the discomfort zone

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I threw the November Collective Genius post out there at the last minute as I was getting ready to leave on three weeks vacation. The topic was "thriving in the discomfort zone." It was honestly a last minute after-thought, as I had been so focused on getting ready for my trip. As a result, I didn't put anything into spreading the word about it, and there were only two posts (thanks Rebecca and John!).

I think the topic is so important, and such a big part of achieving anything worth achieving in our lives, and so vital to staying fresh and vibrant, that I have decided to make it December's topic as well.

I've talked before about the necessity of venturing out beyond our comfort zones in our careers. Comfort for a short time is a good place to recuperate and rest. Comfort for too long leads to stagnation. Growth only comes from exploring the perimeter and dipping your toes (or hurling yourself headlong) beyond the boundaries.

Here are some questions to prime the pump. As always, you don't need to stick to answering these questions if you have something else to add to the mix.

• How do you thrive in the discomfort zone?
• How do you take those growth-inducing steps and still stay centered?
• How do you overcome the anxiety and fear that so often comes when we push ourselves beyond our known world?
• What tips and tricks do you have?
• What has worked for you in the past?
• What have you learned the hard way?
• What advice would you give to someone who finds themselves reluctant to dip into the discomfort zone?
• Looking back, how has stepping into the discomfort zone opened doors and facilitated growth for you? How has avoiding it gotten in your way?
• What have you learned from stepping into the discomfort zone?
• How do you deal with the fact that the discomfort zone often brings imperfection and even occasional failure?

Check here for more details on how to share your words o' wisdom on Collective Genius!

Moving Places

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Curt had asked his readers to contribute to his blog while away on the topic of thriving in your discomfort zone.  He wanted people to share tips on how to do that. 

Moving jobs or careers though difficult does not compare with moving cities.  I’ve moved several times in my life, from the UK to California, from California to Seattle, and lastly from Seattle to Boston.  Each move was difficult because I’d spent many years in each place, and it was difficult to leave familiar places and friends behind.

Leaving friends behind is difficult, but I have found that each move has brought me some of the other things I’ve sought as well.

To move to another place, I had to focus on where I wanted to go next and make that the center of things.  Otherwise I found I got too distracted with daily living.  In my last move before coming to Boston, I’d never been to the city before.  But I did conduct a lot of research before coming out to the city.  I used many of the web sites that are now available to build some connections with people before I arrived.  I even had a racquetball partner and a game lined up before setting out from Seattle.

Once you move to another place, you will always feel homesick, but one thing I did in my last move from Seattle to Boston was to make sure I returned to the city on a regular basis for several months.  The frequent trips let me maintain my connection with friends and the place I had left, while I was just embarking on the task of building a new life in Boston.

John Cass

PR Communications

Comfort in discomfort

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(We don't appear to have our category set up for this month's topic yet, but I'll forget this if I don't write it down.)

I've been told that I'm resistant to change, that I never move beyond my comfort zone. But I'd argue that I find my comfort is stepping outside my comfort zone.

Take, for example, my most recent move. Two years ago, I moved to Seattle. I had no job lined up. I knew a grand total of two people in the city. I made this decision to move, and a month later was in Seattle. I knew nothing about Seattle when I moved, except that it was very green, and Microsoft was somewhere in the area.

It wasn't my first move to a new state, but it was my first solo move across the country to a place not much like home. It's been a great chance to enjoy a new culture, to meet people I wouldn't have met otherwise. It's been a chance to explore who I am, to reconnect with myself.

I think it's actually more comfortable for me to seek out things outside what I know because I love to learn. It's more likely that staying inside a comfort zone would be far more uncomfortable for me. But I've never been content staying in any one place for very long, be it physically or mentally. I always want to explore, to experience, to learn.

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Rebecca Thomas